


don’t matter if I break

by merryghoul



Category: Gravel To Tempo - Hayley Kiyoko (Music Video)
Genre: Dancing, High School, Internalized Homophobia, Mentions of the other characters in the video, Self-Doubt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-22
Updated: 2020-05-22
Packaged: 2021-03-03 02:27:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,504
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24327265
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/merryghoul/pseuds/merryghoul
Summary: Hayley gets the nerve to dance at school.  The reaction to her dance isn’t what she expected at all.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 2
Collections: Jukebox 2020





	don’t matter if I break

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Malkontent](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Malkontent/gifts).



> This is a Jukebox exchange-specific note, but: [Hayley Kiyoko appears as herself in this video,](https://hayleykiyoko.fandom.com/wiki/Gravel_To_Tempo) which is why she appears as a character in this fic.

Hayley squirted lighter fluid on five photographs of her crushes she arranged in a circle as the sun set. One by one, being careful not to blow herself up, Hayley flung lit matches towards the photographs from the outside of the circle. Hayley stepped in the circle when all the photographs burned and started dancing.

Hayley’s crushes knew each other from elementary and junior high school. They all elected to register to the same high school Hayley ended up coming to. The girls all hung out at a locker down the hall from Hayley’s locker. Hayley looked at her crushes everyday, wondering if she could be invited to their circle. Some days she thought she could slide into that circle. Hayley felt she’d be rejected if she tried something so brash.

Tonight she danced without music. Earlier, she made a song in her computer’s FL Studio program—a dance track set to her feet walking on gravel. She planned to dance to this track for all her crushes and everyone else in the cafeteria tomorrow. Everyone in the cafeteria during their lunch period would see this dance. Hayley though if she could dance in this circle of flaming photographs, her actual dance would set the hearts of her crushes aflame.

Hayley listened to the gravel hitting her shoes as she walked towards her high school. She hoped it would help her forget about her girl crushes. At least until lunchtime.

It didn’t.

Hayley heard Jasmine—the girl with brownish curls in her hair—say her name when she reached her locker. Hayley looked up. Hayley’s crushes hung out at their usual pre-homeroom hangout, Blake’s locker. Sienna chewed her blue bubblegum. Hayley never knew what type or brand of bubblegum Sienna chewed. Maybe it was sweet; maybe it was sugar free. But Sienna always chewed blue bubblegum. Olivia hung out by Blake’s locker in her blue gemstone necklace. Angie played with her hoop earrings. Blake’s headphones, like Olivia’s gemstone necklace, hung around her neck. Later, Sienna’s friend with the brown hair and the red letterman jacket hung out in the circle. Hayley could never make out his name, but she didn’t care about him.

Hayley missed what Jasmine said about her. All of Hayley’s doubts started flooding inside of her head. Did they all have crushes on her? Would they like Hayley’s clothes? Hayley didn’t like anything she considered too feminine. And did Jasmine secretly find her disgusting? Jasmine always looked at Hayley with revulsion.

Hayley pushed her book bag into her locker. She imagined the hallway empty. All her crushes stood in a line in the middle of the hallway: Angie, Sienna, Olivia, Blake, and Jasmine. Hayley stood in front of them. All of them waited for her to do something. 

Hayley danced her fire circle dance for the girls in her dream. She moved in close to some of her crushes, almost kissing them at some points. In her head, she saw Jasmine giving the same look she would always give her outside of her dreams. No amount of ass-shaking could get Jasmine to change her mind about Hayley. But the other girls displayed interest, in various degrees, in Hayley’s dance. 

Hayley snapped out of her dream. Lingering on the girls would ruin Hayley’s surprise for them. 

Hayley headed to the the bathroom after her statistics class. She tried focusing on her government and statistics studies, but her fire circle dance lingered in her thoughts while her teachers taught about the Supreme Court and analysis. She stood in front of the bathroom mirror and gripped the bathroom’s sink, alone. For the moment she felt safe from her anxiety.

Her self-doubts crept back into her head. All the times she felt monstrous because of her sexual orientation. All the times she’d practice her fire dance at dusk in front of one burning item, like a candle or a small bonfire, and she’d break down and cry. All because she feared what her crushes would say about her dance.

Hayley let go of the sink. If she didn’t do her dance in front of her crushes today, she would never do the dance at all. She took a deep breath and headed to her locker to pick up her wireless speaker.

Two people sat at what Hayley considered to be the best table in the cafeteria, a place where Hayley’s crushes could listen to Hayley’s music without it blaring in their faces. A part of Hayley wanted to go back to her locker, close her connected Beats by Dre app out, put her speaker back, and grab a quick lunch before the next period started. Hayley stood in the entrance of the cafeteria for a moment, making sure she didn’t block the way to the lunch line. Hayley reminded herself again if she didn’t do her dance today, she would never dance for her crushes at all. 

Hayley grasped her speaker and headed towards the table, occupied by a boy with a red-colored dreadhawk and two girls, one blonde, the other brunette.

“Hi, I’m Hayley,” she said to the boy with the dreadhawk. “Can I sit here and play something on my speaker?”

“Sure.”

The guy slid over and allowed Hayley to sit on her left. He continued talking to his friends. Hayley took out her phone, open to her Beats by Dre app. She played her gravel dance track on her speaker. The track’s audio couldn’t be heard over the din of the cafeteria—people talking, various things smacking against each other in the lunch line and in the cafeteria, tables and chairs sliding across the floor. Hayley used the volume controls on the side of her phone to turn her dance track up, to the irritation of the boy with the dreadhawk and his friends.

The reaction of the boy with the dreadhawk and his friends caused Hayley to fall back into her patterns of self-doubt. She thought of her earlier bathroom moment. Freezing at the sight of the girls by Blake’s locker. Her fire dance circle. 

Seeing Jasmine with her thumbnail in her mouth snapped Hayley out of her self-doubt. Maybe Jasmine knew Hayley’s music played through the speakers, and she dreaded dealing with Hayley. On the other hand, maybe she wanted to see what Hayley would do with her music.

Hayley stood up. She made her way over to her crushes’ table, warming up for her dance.

Hayley spent the rest of her lunch break in the principal’s office after her dance. The principal decided not to punish Hayley further since she usually stayed out of trouble and maintained good grades despite being in honors and Advanced Placement classes. The principal also let Hayley go so she could have enough time to make her dance class. To Hayley’s surprise, she saw Jasmine near the principal’s office.

“I gotta go to dance class,” Hayley said.

“I know.” Jasmine looked down. She took a breath, then met her eyes at Hayley. “Can we talk after school?”

“Sure. Meet me at my locker.”

Hayley saw Jasmine at her locker with her thumb in her mouth. Jasmine quickly took her thumb out of her mouth. “Hi.”

“What’s up?”

“I’m sorry for looking weird at you.”

“I wish everyone that’s looked weird at me said that.”

Jasmine froze, then took a deep breath. “Have you ever, like, looked at someone too long and they think you’re looking at them like they hate you?”

“I’m not sure.”

“I kind of like you. I felt I should come to you first because you were flirting more with Blake and Sienna than with me...”

“So I wouldn’t ask them out.”

“Right.”

“I wasn’t planning to ask them out.”

Jasmine looked at Hayley in disbelief. “What?”

“I wanted you all to notice me. But I don’t need you all to notice me now. It took me that dance in the cafeteria and being in the principal’s office to realize that. Life doesn’t end in high school. I’m sure I’ll find friends. Even gay ones like me.”

“You just said—”

Hayley hushed Jasmine. “I like you too.” She grinned.

Hayley wanted to be around girls. Not to date them. She felt comfortable around being around other girls, and she found the company of girls comforting.

Jasmine called Hayley’s name the next day after Hayley reached her locker. Hayley put her backpack in her locker and walked to Blake’s locker. Hayley’s dream came true. She won the heart of her crushes. Now she could hang out by Blake’s locker.

Hayley knew Jasmine wasn’t straight. She wondered if Blake and the rest of her friends—even Sienna’s male friend—were also not straight. Hayley knew she may never know anything about the sexuality of her crushes before graduation, or even at all. And Jasmine needed time to come out, just like it took Hayley time to be comfortable being out. For the moment, the knowledge that one of Hayley’s crushes actually liked her back and wanted to be with her would be enough.


End file.
